mens rea

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you know you can't stay popular forever, right?

we'll see about that


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5 years ago, I had a dream that you and I kissed. We were in a white, immaculate room. Your face was inches away, eyes gazing, unblinking, into mine. I couldn't move - I was mesmerized. There were no thoughts, no worries or observations. I was in a trance - a state of mind where I could not do anything but process my surroundings in thick swathes of pure sensory input - every sound, sight and smell amplified a hundredfold.

Your eyes and soft milky skin seemed to glow as you began to lean in steadily, inch by inch. I slowly, unknowingly tilted my head to accommodate the angle of yours as, inexorably, we were drawn closer and closer together, as if the very atoms and molecules of our bodies longed to meet and embrace each other. Time seemed to stretch into infinity as our features approached, asymptotically, as if they'd never reach. And then for a moment, everything stopped - a single layer of electrons, stationary, hung between us like a veil - their infinitesimal forces of resistance the only thing keeping us apart. And then we kissed. The world ceased to exist save for the sensation of your soft lips pressed upon mine, passionate but tempered with grace. I was consumed by peace like I had never known. Comfort and security flooded my consciousness. And closeness as well, as if our spirits had coalesced to form a perfect union. Like pieces fitting into a puzzle, we melted into each other and something just clicked into place. It was so natural; it felt so right.

It lasted an eternity, and then a moment. As I returned to my body we silently exchanged glances. It was apparent in our body language that we were both feeling the lingering warmth of sharing the same surreal experience, as well as the strange disconnectedness and discontent of being apart again. I glimpsed a shade of wonderment and awe in your expression, and then a sheepish smile. I must have looked the same. Neither of us knew what it meant, but we understood each other perfectly.

I'm not sure what else transpired after that, but when I awoke I could recall the dream in vivid detail as if it had actually just happened. And that's when I began to feel a heavy sense of unease, as if someone had just pulled the rug out from under my feet. The realization hit me hard; the event had been nothing more than an illusion. I was suddenly faced with a devastating dilemma - could a kiss that never existed manifest something real or was it all simply imagined? Later that day, my eyes refused to meet yours. You talked and laughed about some anecdote, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was thinking about your impostor instead.