Thursday, July 30, 2015

river stay 'way from my door

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hinging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now here is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.  
 One flesh. Or, if you prefer, one ship. The starboard engine has gone. I, the port engine, must chug along somehow till we make harbour. Or rather, till the journey ends. How can I assume a harbour? A lee shore, more likely, a black night, a deafening gale, breakers ahead — and any lights shown from the land probably being waved by wreckers. Such was H.'s landfall. Such was my mother's. I say their landfalls; not their arrivals.
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed 

Monday, July 27, 2015

tryna woo u rn

- 「彼女は綺麗な」

- 「でもさあ、中にのことはやはり一番重要じゃない?」

- 「ああ... そうそう ― 彼女骨構造も超絶妙だ!」

Sunday, July 19, 2015

count it all joy pt. 2


For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. 
- 1 John 3:20

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Nobody can always have devout feelings: and even if we could, feelings are not what God principally cares about. Christian Love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will. If we are trying to do His will we are obeying the commandment, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God.' He will give us feelings of love if He pleases. We cannot create them for ourselves, and we must not demand them as a right. 
- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity


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This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for as to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation-- the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks.
If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life-- his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. 
[...] 
Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. 
[...] 
He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. 
- C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Friday, July 17, 2015

every love story is a ghost story


Imagine walking along a river. The sun is hanging low in the late evening, casting its golden glaze about and colouring the sky a faint indigo. An ochre sheen tinges the edges of granite and long leaves of Lomandra as the water gradually loses its lustre, clear lines coalescing into a dusky and diffuse orange, shapes dissolving into impressionist wraiths. You reach the bridge which joins the two sides of the river. You lean on its stony balustrade, resting your elbows against the parapet. You look down at the embankment, its grassy knolls and plainly tiled walkways. The water runs shallow and clear and you can just about see the bottom of the river, erratic mosaics of dark rocks embedded in the mud. The stream surges briskly just inches above the riverbed.

In the distance, couples sit on the grass or amble intimately. A man comes along and stands next to you, just a few feet away. He leans against the balustrade looking out at the embankment while smoking a cigarette. On his nose are perched a pair of thin, wire-frame glasses which complement the many wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. He is wearing an equally wrinkled plain brown short sleeved shirt with the first few buttons unbuttoned and a pair of beige slacks which have been stained by some unknown substance unevenly at the bottom. His eyes look as if they are very tired, as if they have stayed open all night. He stares out into the distance as smoke from his mouth billows gently. A deep blue with streaks of pink stretches across the sky as the sun sinks lower and lower behind you. The man's eyes are fixed upon the riverbank. He stands there, silent and stationary except for the smoke escaping his lips. When he has finished his cigarette, he stamps out the smouldering remnant on the ground with the heel of his foot and wipes his hands on the front of his pants. He then scratches something into the balustrade and walks off with hands in his pockets.

By this time nothing is left of the daylight except a tender patch of blue still lingering over the horizon. The street lights have come on and several windows of faraway apartments are variously illuminated. The lovers have become silhouettes, lolling in the darkness and leaning into each other. A cool breeze sweeps in from the city, lightly brushing your arms and face. You stand there watching the skyline disappear. You watch the colour drain from the sky completely. Now even the lovers have left, and you stay on that street as empty as the night, nursing this feeling as the evening wind nuzzles its cold nose against you.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

presenting complaint

My heart is like a tightly wound piece of string or wire in my chest that's been twisted to the point of strangulation and every so often I can feel it untwisting a little and it's alright for a while before it inevitably goes too much the other way and gets twisted again


happy songs are great for dancing but how come i only trust the sad ones

last night
i knelt on a grassy slope
and an angel was speaking to me
but i wasn't listening
i got up halfway
and went to bed

and ignoring all the signs
i stared straight into the sun
with a smile as white as ash
i descended into that infernal jubilee

in the park where i was buried
i spun around chasing
my tail
and knocked your good
intentions to the ground

and then you were dressed
like a cluster of graves
as i circled the kitchen
table
like a wounded animal
pacing its cage


how to be sober


Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way.

---

HPC:

1/52 h/o
- being wise in himself
- rejoicing when others weep
- covetousness
- speaking carelessly
- lust of the flesh
- pride before God
- self pity



DDx: there is no love



Monday, July 6, 2015

you think you're too clever to enjoy this kind of movie and that's why i feel sorry for you

any author's putative success depends not only on his facility and diligence in writing but also on the miracle-tier-improbablity of his writing finding and reaching the right people


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Listen, if people don't pay attention to you, it doesn't mean you're not beautiful. People ignore beautiful things all the time.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

love don't shout

How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.” 
- David Foster Wallace, The Pale King

---

Hideaki Anno, David Foster Wallace and Louis CK; whatever these three have in common is probably what I should be aiming for

---

It's easy to write about someplace you love - what's tough is writing about it in a way that doesn't sound corny or cheesy to a person who's never been before

Saturday, July 4, 2015

blessed are the meek

it's that time of the year where I have to try really hard to imagine what Jesus would do if a group of local louts called him out on the streets for being asian

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But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
- Matthew 5:38-48


Then Jesus said to him, "Put your sword back into its place; for all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword.  
- Matthew 26:52

Long Revision

 夕食後、ベアは湾のパノラマビューのために4月をエスプラネードに連れて行くことを申し出たが、彼女は翌朝早く空港にいなければならないと言って断った。代わりに、4月は金融街を二分し、川の河口を横断して少し上流のMRT駅に到着できるルートを提案しました。そこで彼らは手入れの行き届いた都...