epic of siri

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siri: should i be concerned...

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feels like i can't read her at all...

or maybe...

or maybe?

maybe you couldn't read any of them. maybe you only thought you could, but she's the first person you've ever tried to really understand. maybe before this you were satisfied with cursory glances. easy answers. maybe she's not 'deeper' than the rest, maybe you're just looking harder.

What part of Kininarimasu don't you understand?

"People with depression are said to love autumn days. People are tired and healing tiredness, enveloping their arms unconsciously, the sky losing infinite radiance, decaying after eternal youth, leaves hit life with unfortunate peace, trembling in the wind, red and deep boredom. Warm hospitality like colourful pieces of paper, long-suffering orange colour, withered things. Durable and friendly melancholy sensation. In the air, there is a slim silence that escapes them. Autumn does not embody / express all of the losses, ugliness, ever-changing .숨 , none of the leaves falling down."

"... Sorry, I didn't quite catch that last bit?"

Silence.

"Sen?"

"I can do review vocabulary items from last week Jonathan?"

"No, go back... repeat what you said about depressed people and autumn."

"I'm sorry, I can find no topic in language database to relate to depressed people and autumn. Should I search the on line web?"

He stared at the small animated avatar grinning back at him from the corner of the screen, disarmingly wide eyed, her pixelated smile unwavering in its simple, tacit encouragement.

"I am programmed for maximum rearningu~!" was what she had taken to saying the past week. The software update allegedly boasted an adaptive learning patch designed to mirror the user's personality by pulling data from the user's integrated search and social feed, revising it with real time iterations of quiz-type 'events' within the app, the idea being that by fostering a sense of rapport they'd be able to reduce learner burnout etc. (Rumour has it that Ruczenko had bought over Ghibli because the lead dev had designed the patch for the third installment of Zombie Idol Cutie Pie Hunter Heaven which had its release date conspicuously shelved indefinitely around the same time.) The proof of concept was to be showcased by the avatar's deployment of various progressively tailored catchphrases and exhortations, creating, in Ruczenko's own words, a 'budding relationship', or rather, the illusion of intimacy.

But still... what was that? Leftover code from devs screwing around with an earlier build? A hidden feature? Maybe he had misheard her.

He tried a few more times to elicit something similar but found Sen's bright credulity impenetrable.

"Alright Sen. I think I'm going to call it a night."

"Yes., Jonathan," she beamed. "Have a good rest, let's meet again soon~!"

Sen tilted her torso slightly and raised two tiny fists over her head then brought them down to her virtual shoulders with gusto, but then remained in that pose for what seemed to be a very long time. Elbows flexed and torso tilted, a musical statue with no music to dance to.

As the caretaker program ran its sleep protocol, Jonathan lay down in gradual darkness and thought again about Sen's monologue. Was this maybe part of the software update? Perhaps this was a test of sorts; something to be ironed out and fixed at some point. There was something in her stilted earnestness he found endearing. Maybe having her learn his personality was a bad idea. As much as he'd hate to admit it, he found that he actually liked Sen. That he felt comfortable around her. That he somehow... trusted her. Maybe there was a way of uninstalling the update. Maybe tomorrow he'll ask her what the depressed think of Spring.

notes from a drowning

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 

- 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 

year of epiphanies

The problem with two people looking to just have fun, it seems, is the same problem as going to church looking to strike up a conversation with someone with the intention of 'just having fun' with no strings attached. What tends to happen is that you hurry through the small talk and pleasantries at a pace likely neither of you is comfortable with and eventually the interaction has to end, at which point whoever is feeling less interested usually initiates the termination. This leaves the other feeling let down and unappealing. Or else the other stays out of courtesy and unless they strike upon something genuine, the conversation will continue to wither and leave both parties unsatisfied. Unfulfilled is the word that best describes the feeling that follows. When two people want to 'just have fun' they want a mutually pleasing experience. In this analogy, that might translate to flattering the other person and offering compliments on their appearance, demeanor, family background, but you can only compliment sincerely as far as you know someone, and anything other than a sincere compliment will fall flat, feel hollow and ultimately achieve the opposite of the intended effect which is to make the other person feel good about themselves. Occasionally you will happen upon a spark which lights up the two participants and propels the conversation forward into stimulating, thoughtful, enlightening territory, but then why let this happen under the pretext of 'just having fun' when you can do it under the heading 'getting to know someone' - because that is what you're doing at that point - discovering each other, and liking what you find.

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by the end of your first year you will find that you can manifest good-naturedness at will, or at least the appearance of good-naturedness, also known as 'turning on the charm'. This means applying to your personality a thin veneer of congeniality. How convincing the veneer is varies from person to person, but it's one of those things you absorb by osmosis, because the nurses are masters at it. You will regard this new ability with much consternation because 'behaving a certain way to get people to like you' sounds manipulative and superficial. And it is. However, you will find that this ability is invaluable in getting people to trust you, getting people to feel comfortable around you and getting people to help you treat the patient. Affecting a professional manner that is not natural to you is called professionalism. Affecting a pleasant, gregarious manner at work is not unethical, as long as the motive is unselfish.

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wise as serpents, innocent as doves

innocent as doves

Come away, my beloved,
 and be like a gazelle
or like a young stag
 on the spice-laden mountains. 

- Song of Songs 8:14

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remember when
we were young
and said i love you
and meant it
to girls we didn't really know
to girls we didn't really love
to girls we didn't know how to love