- what terrifies you?
- the parable of the talents
- care to elaborate?
- I'm afraid of wasting my life. I'm afraid of squandering my capital. Of not achieving what I should have, considering all the unfair advantages I've been given.
- you're afraid this might happen to you?
- I'm afraid it already has. I'm afraid it's too late now to do anything worthwhile with my life. That I've sunk too far, or too deep, that I've waited or put it off for too long, that I've failed to develop and now I'm trapped in this vicious cycle of meaninglessness and mediocrity from which there can be no redemption.
- what makes you think that's the case?
- well I haven't done shit all week. I haven't written anything. I haven't created anything or improved myself in any way. I've barely spoken to anyone. All I've done is eat, sleep and consume all kinds of garbage in an attempt to numb my anxiety and chase away boredom. The only difference between me and a corpse is that a corpse consumes less resources - that and I probably smell better than one, though that would depend on when he or she... you know...
- I know.
- kicked the bucket
- So you're saying your contribution to society is comparable to that of a dead person's?
- yes -- well, no - a dead person may actually be more useful. Their body can be donated to science, at least. A parasite might be more accurate - like a leech.
- Do you really believe that?
- Or a tapeworm, maybe
- If you feel this way why don't you do something about it?
- Like what? Something productive?
- something like that.
- Believe me, I've tried. You don't think I've tried? I've tried getting a job, I've tried forcing myself to write. I've tried sketching again.
- But?
- But in the end I just end up right where I started. For a little while, I feel like I'm making progress but then I always get stuck or hit a dead end and the whole thing ends in failure - but the worst part is that each new failure seems to communicate to me that I'm the failure. That I am incapable of accomplishment and all of my endeavours will eventually amount to nothing.
- So you're not afraid of failure so much as being a failure
- Yeah, pretty much.
- I think you have trouble focusing and finishing things.
- You think?
- No need to be sarcastic. Being a failure is one thing, failing repeatedly is another.
- So which one am I
- That's up to you
- I pick the former
- * s i g h *
- Okay, I get what you're saying. You're saying not to give up right? To keep trying?
- Not exactly. From what you've told me, your lack of success is not for a lack of trying. Nor is it a result of apathy, given the amount of anguish you express over your... creative constipation.
- sorry - creative constipation?
- yes
- nice
- do you know what the definition of insanity is?
- my ex? why do you do that, by the way - ask rhetorical questions
- because you hate cliches and conforming to norms. I'm simply providing a harmless opportunity for that to be expressed.
- ask me again
- do you know what the definition of insanity is?
- asking a lunatic to define lunacy
- it's doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
- i like my answer better
- something has to change
- i was afraid you'd say that
- you must identify what is preventing you from focusing on and finishing your work
- what if it's due to some kind of incompetence or inadequacy beyond my power to control or change
- then at least you can stop beating yourself up over not fulfilling your potential
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The advertisement of a man - the cleverer you become the greater your capacity for (self )deception --- the ability of writing to edit a...
There is a specific market value for dead bodies, whereas it's much harder to quantify how much a useless human being is worth. The most useless human being (given caveats, such as having at least one other person care about him, residing in open society and not prison) would still be more valuable than a dead person.
ReplyDeleteMost probably.
You still participate in the multiplier effect of consumption, helping to grease the wheels of our society. Every take-out pizza, every watt of power contributes to the greater good. If you collect benefits, you have a propensity to spend all said benefits. Much better than having the money rot in another person's wallet. You provide emotional benefits to the people around you, or maybe just your parole officer, who would still be mildly inconvenienced if you did die. Speaking of death, simply not dying presents a valuable contribution to humanity, since dying imposes costs (emotional or monetary) on everyone: the people watching, sanitation, your parole officer.
Plus, there's the probability that Sisyphus could cast off that boulder and make something of himself, which would present benefits to society magnitudes greater. You will factor in this future value into his present value. I could have opened with that.
But Sisyphus has all the time in the world.
Good point - both living and dying come with a set of externalities - some significant, others negligible. But too many factors to take into consideration - unlikely to arrive at an accurate estimation. Let's leave calculating a person's net worth to the nitpickers and know-it-alls.
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Basically cast off his boulder to carry another. Why does he toil so ceaselessly? What does he hope to achieve? What futile delusion has he bought into this time? Like, what's his deal seriously?
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Interesting premise for a short story: a man whose destiny is to be a mindless consumer. a man whose ultimate and essential role in the grand scheme of things is to be a vacant, noncontributing receptacle for charity and concern - a moral treadmill for other people to walk on. a man who aspires to be higher than the stars but is fated to be a crater. i think i will write this short story. i think i'll call it Excelsior
Excellent, I'll get started then
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Simply because it's a different boulder. Sisyphus condemned for eternity wouldn't mind the change of pace. And why does he need to have a reason besides the fact that he wants to? Things don't have to have a meaning. In fact, I think acting in the face of such pointlessness takes a certain courage.
I would call it defiance
I'd call it idiocy.
DeleteThey're often the same thing.
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