blood sport

I don't believe in my own abilities enough to be a neurosurgeon, and I question the judgement and motives of those who do

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maybe humans aren't built to be responsible for as many people as doctors are on a daily basis

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Medical school makes you a certain way. It's a bit scary really. When my supervisor asks me how my attachment has been going and what skills I feel I'd like to practice more - I instantly think to myself, oh great, she cares. She wants to engage, and so I ramble on about hands on experience and feeling more competent as a doctor. She nods patiently with a great listening face and then later towards the end of the meeting fills in the 1st assessor meeting checklist by paraphrasing my words, and then my heart sinks a little. I was so convinced this doctor genuinely wanted to hear about how I'd been getting on. But no. She only asked so that she could fill in a form. Because this is her job.

Just today a 78 year old woman brought into the emergency department for a collapse was telling me about the sudden death of her 50 year old son on a scuba diving trip whose funeral she was scheduled to attend tomorrow - 4th family member to go in 3 weeks, she tells me, voice shaking and choking back tears

and all I can do is put on a sympathetic face and think:

I need to ask her about her cough