unconscious excellence

properly meek and humble people don't have to worry about appearing meek and humble

---

To even get near [humility], even for a moment, is like a drink of cold water to a man in a desert. Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call “humble” nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity 

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wise as serpents and harmless as doves

uncertainty principles

- so it's ok to be uncertain of some things?

- sure

- but is it ok to be uncertain of everything?

- i think so /  maybe / i don't know / i'm not sure

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first year memories of having friends over while watching people play video games

---

i have no priorities. my mind does not discriminate between reading up the different definitions of the word 'tautology', scrolling through pictures of lazy animals and looking up my timetable for next week's clinical attachment. My mind doesn't care what it is it. It just wants to do it. And by it I mean everything. all at once if possible. brain: 'hey remember that funny comedy sketch on youtube from 2009? wouldn't it be cool to look it up right now in the middle of writing this important work email?' it's not that i don't realize the email is clearly more important - it's that i try to justify it by saying, 'yeah, well, but think of it this way - its unimportance is proportionate to the amount of effort and time i'll have to spend on it so it doesn't really matter whether i do it now or later.' 'ok so why don't you just do it la-''I WANT TO DO IT NOW ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)'

it's only 3 minutes long anyway - what's the harm in wasting 3 minutes? and then clicking on the videos in the sidebar and wasting another 3 minutes - and then that cool interview with james franco - that should be funny. it's only 14 minutes long - plus it's only 8pm - there's plenty of time left to sort out that email. On its own, there's no harm in interrupting a work process to take a break and do something else. It might even be beneficial in some cases. But if you consistently interrupt what you're doing to engage in some other newer more interesting activity you'll never actually get anything done. if you keep pursuing instant gratification you'll never accomplish anything that takes longer than an instant. there's also the fact that watching comedy sketches is a lot more fun than writing a work email, so it could just be me procrastinating and reading wikipedia articles with the vehement subconscious intent of avoiding work. But it doesn't just happen with work stuff. It happens with articles, interviews, image macros and even blog posts. My attention span is probably partly to blame. The quicker you get bored of something the less you want to do it -- but I don't think that's the whole story. I think it's mostly due to the fact that I want to do so many things, and I hate the idea of not doing all of them. No matter what it is, i have to do it. Do I really have to know how the word tautology is used in the study of logic? Do I really need to know why Leonard Cohen has started smoking again? I don't even know the guy. And yet some peculiar urge inside me insists: 'Yes. Yes you do.'

there's always a fear that if i leave it till later i won't remember or that the chance to do it might expire. isn't that crazy? i'm actually anxious about not being able to watch james franco talk to david letterman. or find out which female movie stereotype i am - as if i will incur some major loss for having declined this opportunity. As if it will detract from the total fixed sum of happiness i am destined to accumulate in this life. The fear of missing out is very real. But what makes it ridiculous is that i don't consider the cost of foregoing my current activity -- or the twenty other tabs i opened and then immediately forgot about. 'saving them for later,' i whisper maniacally to myself, like one of those compulsive hoarders they talk about on daytime tv. 

you see, i only weigh the opportunity cost of the possibility before me. the scotoma of my judgement affects everything besides the thing i am presently looking at. it's like trying to get a girlfriend but falling in love with every girl you see. But clicking a link is a lot easier and more straightforward than asking a girl out so I end up clicking on every promising headline or blinking notification that comes my way.

Consequently i speed up my rate of consumption (and interactions), frantic to get on to the next thing. i'm hardly enjoying the video as i'm too busy nervously eyeing the staggering number of tabs i've amassed. as this is happening, two thoughts are playing over and over in the back of my mind. the first is: i've lost so much already. i cannot afford to lose any more. and the second is this: what should i do next?

cognitive detox / more haste less speed

1. slow down
2. too much head, not enough heart
3. slow down
4. words should ---> truth not the other way around
5. turn your truth(s) into action
6. slow down

glossophobia

if i had a nickel for every time i said something dumb and offensive i'd have a lot of nickels

love comes first

1. value actions over words
2. let your actions speak for themselves
3. let your words be of worth

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By the humility and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you--I, Paul, who am "timid" when face to face with you, but "bold" toward you when away! I beg you that when I come I may not have to be as bold as I expect to be toward some people who think that we live by the standards of this world [. . .] I do not want to seem to be trying to frighten you with my letters. For some say, "His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing." Such people should realize that what we are in our letters when we are absent, we will be in our actions when we are present. 

— 2 Corinthians 10:1-2 / 10:9-11

---

"what do i do though, if people won't listen?"
"then quiet yourself and listen to them. hear them out. love without speaking."

addendum / keep moving / just one of those days

[or perhaps as we grow older we tend to think more and develop stronger attachments and have more to lose and get stuck in the past and get less good at moving on]

executive summary: we let small things upset us greatly when we're older because:
1. we become good at avoiding pain therefore grow unaccustomed to dealing with it -- body with no pathogenic exposure is more susceptible to cell damage secondary to infection
2. we're liable to be fixated on the past. being bad at moving on from bad experiences means we don't heal as well over time because we keep picking at old wounds, so they persist and occasionally get infected

---

even the bad days 
don't seem as bad when you're near
even the storm seems calm 
and the waters tranquil
when you're here

even sugar tastes sweeter
and the sun shines brighter
even songs sound better
and my steps feel lighter

my paths are made straight
and my eyes can see clearly
my sleep is untroubled
and my jokes are more funny

when i am with you
nothing can harm me
even though i walk through
the valley of the shadow of death
i will not fear, for you are with me
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me

you prepare a table before me 
in the presence of my enemies.
you anoint my head with oil
my cup overflows
surely goodness and mercy will follow me
all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever

self-help

dear 13 year old self: 9 years from now you're going to have a pretty shit day a few pretty shit days. when that happens, don't overthink it. just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move on. and try to get a haircut

love, yourself

P.S. you left your stethoscope in one of the small suitcases in the storeroom

ツンデレサービス / 優しい人になりたいけど

“You all know," said the Guide, "that security is mortals' greatest enemy.” 

— C.S. Lewis, The Pilgrim's Regress

---

Consultants are rarely unkind in the same way SHOs or junior doctors tend to be. Perhaps they feel their status being threatened or see too much of themselves in medical students, but whatever the reason I often sense an air of deliberate distance or sometimes just plain rudeness in the way they act - whereas the ungraciousness of consultants is much more like the tactless indifference of a tall person who forgets to hunch

---

Children have a reputation for being cruel, but I think most of the time if someone is hurt it is incidental - collateral damage. I believe there is very little malice actually present in their tiny hearts, trace amounts at most. Pride - sure. Jealousy - tons. But these things don't directly involve the desire to harm others. They are attitudes rooted in selfishness and any injury caused is technically unintentional - a second degree offence. Children cling to pride and envy as a means of self-preservation. They deploy sarcasm and cruel jokes as defence mechanisms. You wouldn't accuse a bee of being evil for stinging you. If there is one kind of misconduct we can safely convict them of I think it would be insensitivity, or a lack of empathy - which is much easier to forgive than wilful betrayal or a spiteful comment.

I think kids' egos are stronger and more durable than grown-ups, or at least less fragile. They'll say terrible things to each other and punch each other in the face and then a day later go back to being best friends. Maybe it's because when you're young, you heal so fast you hardly notice getting hurt. At what stage of development, I wonder - what physiological phenomenon is it which makes the heart so suddenly vulnerable. Or maybe as we mature our actions and words have more power. Consequently, we're no longer able to play as rough and carelessly as we did before. When we were young our muscles and minds were not yet fully formed - they were under-developed, impotent, innocuous. We couldn't have caused serious harm to each other even if we wanted to - but now that we've grown so hideously strong we sometimes destroy each other with barely a touch and by accident. Now a passing remark or disappointed look which would have in the past merely given you a bruise or a scrape on the knee cuts straight to the bone and leaves a scar.

Maybe the fact that sometime toward the end of childhood we learn to recognise our own propensity and frightful natural aptitude for wounding each other, and then realise we detest it and make an effort to outgrow it makes these kinds of injuries uncommon in adulthood. And perhaps because these injuries are so rare and avoidable we adjust our expectations and allow ourselves to be conditioned to a world without any pain or discomfort or people you don't really get along with, which is why we get so incredibly upset when we eventually do encounter them.

msn memories and SAO thoughts

SAO II aka survivor's guilt online - it's actually really good. so good i'm willing to let the ALO arc slide. also when did Asuna get so dere-dere? it's not that i don't like it but it just seems weird that all of her tsun would vanish so completely without a trace. Part of what made her such a compelling character in the SAO arc was how strong and independent she was but now she seems kind of relegated to the side-lines - her personality watered down. I suppose people do tend to change when they enter a new relationship - that being said, Senjougahara still seems very much like Senjougahara to me

---

if virtual reality were possible think about what it would do for long-distance relationships

---

The thing about online role-playing games is that it gives you a chance to be someone else - but not just that, it gives you a chance to see people in a new light. I'll elaborate on that in a bit.

There's a kind of unique good-will between players in online RPGs - as in, you're more likely to actively meet new people and initiate interactions and conversations because it's safer than doing so in the real world - they can't physically hurt you, nor can they actually injure you emotionally because all that they encounter is merely a virtual representation.

I posit that a special paucity of prejudice is present in MMORPGs, because you have no idea who the other person actually is. All you have to go on is the name and avatar they've picked. You don't even know what the other person's real gender is or if they're a good person or if they're older than you. As a result, players tend to reserve judgement and gradually build up their impression of others based on their words and actions - if you help them, if you're polite, that sort of thing. It feels as if a premium is placed on what other players say or do - and because of this, everyone is a little more deliberate in their dealings with others, while the mask of anonymity allows for freedom of expression with relative impunity. Consequently, the interactions which take place in-game are quite different from ones conducted in real life.

What makes MMORPGs different from the highly volatile (and sometimes blatantly hostile) environments of internet forums and comment boards is the imminent virtual reminder that the other person is a living breathing human being with hopes and dreams and feelings. In the comments section of a blog or on Youtube, all you have to do is type out an inflammatory statement, press enter and close the window. End of story. But if the subject of abuse is right in front of you, you're more likely to consider the consequences of your actions, especially if you both inhabit the same world and may have to rely on each other later to achieve a common objective. In this way, the sense of community mitigates the potential pitfalls and dangers of online anonymity.

I think the main reason I find online games like these remarkable is because there seems to be an unconscious but heightened awareness of the fact that a person's appearance is not always a reliable indicator of who they truly are

雨ですね

ode to train

"I prefer trains though."

"How come?" she asks.

He shrugs. "The novelty, I guess."

"Hmm."

A pause.

"Actually that's not true - it's something to do with the deep passionless fluorescence of the night time coaches. The quiet warmth of well-worn neon. The enclosed solidarity between fellow travellers. It feels sort of like entering a kind old couple's home for the night. The sleepy welcome of an illuminated interior - carpeted floors and shabby, cushioned seats. The effort put in to make your trip comfortable, even though it rarely is. Maybe it has something to do with a Ghibli film. The tired and familiar night time banter and brightness. The smells, the idea of rows of strangers travelling together for long distances to get to similar destinations. I don't know. I find it comforting - I feel less alone."

silent movie idea / what bout my star

there is a famous pretty girl on tv
guy falls in love with her through the computer screen
their paths chronically coincide, many times they almost meet
but never really do till fate intervenes
she falls in love when they meet on the street
but alas she is not the her from his dreams
they start to date, she's as happy as can be
but he becomes mesmerised by some other famous teen
she finds out, gets upset, cries and then leaves
and the guy is left pining for the girl on tv

marry that girl

Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. 

— Psalm 37:4

---

- dear God I think I'm ready for a girlfriend now please

- How Often Did You Text Your Mom Last Week

- yeah ok yeah i see Your point

---

God's choice vs. your choice
What you want vs. what you need / what's right for you
Settling vs. settling down

misery loves co.

to be read in the style and voice of Louis C.K.:

- I'm single. i've been single for a while now and I notice lately that I'm surrounded by couples. like, all my friends are in relationships.      and I don't like it. 

-- don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i don't enjoy being single. i'm not bitter about it. i'm just saying i might enjoy not being single even more. like, you know, it's a possibility. 

- now, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i don't enjoy being single. i love being single - as long as everyone around me is single as well 

- let me rephrase. i'm not saying i don't enjoy being single. what i'm saying is, i don't enjoy being single 

my voice:

as much as i used to / anymore 

 Cue laughter + applause. exit stage left

furochan leaves

London skyline, looking warm for once
shy and bright, like the stoic city is
waving you goodbye
a little self-conscious, it
stands miles away, opposed to
closeness yet ill-disposed
to letting go. a tear in its eye
and a paper thin smile
saying, so long - farewell!
we'll meet again someday
perhaps. take care! be well --

goodbye!
      
   goodbye,

                  goodbye.