why fencers make the worst lovers

Clad in their immaculate attire, flaunting a graceful lunge, or sweeping down the piste like a freight train on fire, blade glistening wildly in the air - it's easy to be charmed by the sense of romance and adventure that surrounds the sport of fencing, but don't be fooled; the fencer is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The Foilist is known for being sharp, agile and always ready with a quick response. Most people start out as foilists, though some are naturally better at being epeeists or sabreurs and eventually gravitate toward becoming one or both of these. The foilist lives on an ardent rhythm of reciprocity, so if you made the foilist breakfast in bed this morning, you can expect the foilist to be cooking up plans for a candlelit dinner tomorrow night. However, if you don't share this sense of give-and-take, the foilist may get upset and refuse to make any more advances. The foilist also subscribes to a rigid and complex set of rules and may possess a very legalistic definition of justice and fair play, at times fighting tooth and nail to clarify some petty point of contention 'as a matter of principle', but only when it is in the foilist's manifest interest to do so.

The Epeeist is arguably the most liberal of the three. Armed with an 'anything goes' attitude, you may find yourself frequently surprised by the repertoire of concealed feats lurking up the epeeist's sleeves. Numerous encounters with other epeeists have honed the epeeist into an expert at understanding distance. The epeeist may feel uncomfortable if the epeeist feels his/her personal space is being encroached upon and will often retreat in response. Bearing in mind that most of the time that an epeeist spends with another person involves two sword lengths worth of distance between them, the term 'personal space' may encompass a more expansive vicinity than some might expect. That being said, the epeeist is not intimidated by the prospect of getting up close and personal, often initiating intimate contact when the situation calls for it. However, as swiftly as the epeeist comes, the epeeist can go. The epeeist is a cautious creature, preferring to spend hours testing the waters before any possibility of a plunge. Prone to bouts of deliberation, the epeeist likes to consider all possible contingencies before deciding to commit, rarely hazarding an engagement without some sort of exit strategy prepared.

The Sabreur is the often considered the most flamboyant and graceless of the three. It's no big secret that the sabreur considers himself/herself a big deal, although the rationale behind this assertion continues to elude both foilist and epeeist alike. When two sabreurs meet, the results tend to be rather hit-and-miss. To an observer it would appear that the sabreur operates on a stream of continuous impulses, throwing the entirety of his/her being into whatever spontaneous endeavour the sabreur has, in that instant, settled upon. To be sure, forethought and consistency are not the sabreur's strong suits. The passion and vehement energy that the sabreur boasts may seem exciting at first, but the sabreur's tendency to rush into things blindly can get rather tiring for all those involved. Like the foilist, the sabreur's actions are supposedly governed by a set of rules, but it seems that the sabreur is only made aware of these when they are broken and pointed out explicitly, to which the sabreur will perhaps nod and grunt a brusque apology, but even then any adjustment is likely to be short-lived.

If I could advise you, I would tell you to avoid fencers altogether. Just stay the heck away from them. Instead, try meeting someone who plays frisbee or hockey - sports that don't exclusively cater to people with issues - sports that don't bolster a person's insecurities and glorify their faults with each victory. Of all the creatures here on God's green earth, the fencer is undoubtedly the worst. I hereby end this solemn admonition with a tally of the most heinous character flaws that likely afflict each and every miscreant what holds a blade.
The fencer:
1. inherently lacks the propensity for teamwork and harbours a sadistic hatred of mankind (why else would someone consider the act of injuring a fellow human being fun?)
2. compulsively tries to predict what you'll do and stay two steps ahead
3. has a habit of keeping score and
4. when confronted, is notorious for avoiding the point.
Happy valentines day.