if the answer's not yes i don't wanna hear it

- the fact that you're funny doesn't make you right. you can be funny and still be wrong, you know

- is that why you're so boring all the time

有望なチューン

rocko's postmodern life

- so what do you want to eat

- i don't know. something easy. and cheap. and quick. and bad for me

---

- come here. i want to teach you about sadness

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back when boys used to be naive and girls pretended to be pure

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God please change me    

but just don't ask me to change ¹

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^{1. Thank you for calling. The number you have dialled does not currently exist. Please press 1 for Human Government and Social Progress, press 2 for Drugs and Alcohol, press 3 for Nihilism. If you would like to try a listed religion please press 4. For Actual Divine Intervention please stay on the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.}

^{* elevator music *}

^{Thank you for waiting, all our customer service representatives are currently busy. Please hang up the phone and try again later↩}

friends before facebook

"Lovers seek for privacy. Friends find this solitude about them, this barrier between them and the herd, whether they want it or not. 

[…] 

In a circle of true Friends each man is simply what he is: stands for nothing but himself. No one cares twopence about anyone else’s family, profession, class, income, race, or previous history. Of course you will get to know about most of these in the end. But casually. They will come out bit by bit, to furnish an illustration or an analogy, to serve as pegs for an anecdote; never for their own sake. That is the kingliness of Friendship. We meet like sovereign princes of independent states, abroad, on neutral ground, freed from our contexts. This love (essentially) ignores not only our physical bodies but that whole embodiment which consists of our family, job, past and connections. At home, besides being Peter or Jane, we also bear a general character; husband or wife, brother or sister, chief, colleague, or subordinate. Not among our Friends. It is an affair of disentangled, or stripped, minds. Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities. 

Hence (if you will not misunderstand me) the exquisite arbitrariness and irresponsibility of this love. I have no duty to be anyone’s Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which gave value to survival." 

- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

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how to commodify relationships

disease x cure

1. what is the incidence of doctors dying at/in hospital

2. what is the incidence of doctors dying on the job i.e. while on call in ED, working in community or operating in OT

3. what is the incidence of mortality among physicians and surgeons nationwide compared to the general population

5. is being a doctor associated with an increased or decreased risk of mortality compared to population risk

    a) if the risk is decreased, is it mainly due to
        i) being in and around hospital premises for a greater percentage of their lifetime compared to the average person and therefore having an increased chance of quick and successful resuscitation in the event of a medical emergency or
        ii) being aware of and involved in disseminating and motivated to act on health promoting lifestyle advice i.e. balanced diet, regular exercise, smoking abstinence, thus contributing to a longer, less death-prone lifespan

    b) if the risk is increased is the reason / are the factors mainly
        i) extrinsic i.e. stress, increased exposure to hospital pathogens or
        ii) intrinsic and volitional i.e. DNAR, refusal of treatment, euthanasia
        iii) intrinsic and non-volitional i.e. neglecting personal health / well-being to meet work demands

    c) if there is no significant difference in risk of mortality compared to population, is it because the increased risks and decreased risks of being a doctor cancel out

so much winter in one night / long distance call

try hard enough to become something you're not and eventually you'll succeed ¹

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there's
a bear onsie on my bed
and a letter on my desk
celebrate forever, san francisco
all the sad young men

i tried to look up
'safe places to eat alone
in the city'
to no avail - so i called you
at home but the phone
just kept ringing
and i ran out
of quarters

i looked back across the bridge
to see them
tearing down the golden lights
and putting them out along
with the trees, ready to smother
another new year with
expectation
and black coffee

a burnt out firework
snuffed out in mid air, another year
extinguished
and ready to swallow
wash it down with the tide

wash it down with the sea ²

this year i told my self
i wouldn't write sad things
anymore - i mean
the very sad things
i told myself i wouldn't go out
searching for
them
and
i've kept my word
till now
but
what's the use of smiling on paper
if each line still reads
like a paper cut
and each breath still stings
like an ice cold kiss
and all the sad things came
looking for me. they're
at my door - please
understand, i had to get out

i tried calling but
all i got was 'please leave a message
after the beep'
so i did

'wish you were here'


your postcard reads



celebrate forever, san francisco


here's to never staying happy

here's to nothing ever lasts

here's to all the dead young men

going out on new years eve

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oh, what kind of poetry do you write?

mostly the bad kind ³

---

// not in despair, just a lament ^{4 5}

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<sup>1. The tragedy is that you'll succeed↩
2. This is water↩
3. What i've noticed is that for a poem to be really good it has to be about something other than yourself↩
4. But you know I'm finding this footnote business to be unexpectedly quite a lot of fun ↩
5. And almost dangerously addictive ↩</sup>

happy new year

don't spend it all in one place