I missed it.
I missed it. 'This man has got a very tight chest.' Rob said as he moved around, seemed to move past, move through me, his brow furrowed with frustration / concentration, moving at inhuman speeds to organise Xrays, Aminophylline and NIV for my man all at the same time. It's the worst feeling you can have as a junior doctor. And now I'm the one who can't breathe. I'm the one who cannot speak.
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A very tight chest may not wheeze at all due to poor air entry. Beware the silent chest.
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There are many ways of suffocating, some subtler than others.
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show me all my sickness, make me understand my mistakes, then tell me how to get better.
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can't have the clouds without first tasting dirt, can't be taller than angels before meeting the devil first.
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Medicine is a way of getting better that often requires you to first feel worse
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So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
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"I mean, I like it and I hate it at the same time. It's the same attitude I have towards the whole of medicine I guess, you're doing amazing things, but it's hard at first not to suffer from... performance anxiety, like the first few times you're kind of walking on a tightrope. Doing stunts without a safety net. To get better you first have to realise all the things you don't know, come to terms with all the ways you aren't very good, and so when it happens your confidence takes a hit... and you doubt yourself a lot. And then you have to continue anyway, and try and overcome it with persistence. And you usually push through. But before you do, it's like your heart is being scooped out and torn apart or crushed under a massive weight. This is the part of the job that I hate the most. And knowing it's temporary or necessary helps me to endure the weight when I remember, but doesn't make it any lighter."
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