uncertainty principles

- so it's ok to be uncertain of some things?

- sure

- but is it ok to be uncertain of everything?

- i think so /  maybe / i don't know / i'm not sure

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first year memories of having friends over while watching people play video games

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i have no priorities. my mind does not discriminate between reading up the different definitions of the word 'tautology', scrolling through pictures of lazy animals and looking up my timetable for next week's clinical attachment. My mind doesn't care what it is it. It just wants to do it. And by it I mean everything. all at once if possible. brain: 'hey remember that funny comedy sketch on youtube from 2009? wouldn't it be cool to look it up right now in the middle of writing this important work email?' it's not that i don't realize the email is clearly more important - it's that i try to justify it by saying, 'yeah, well, but think of it this way - its unimportance is proportionate to the amount of effort and time i'll have to spend on it so it doesn't really matter whether i do it now or later.' 'ok so why don't you just do it la-''I WANT TO DO IT NOW ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)'

it's only 3 minutes long anyway - what's the harm in wasting 3 minutes? and then clicking on the videos in the sidebar and wasting another 3 minutes - and then that cool interview with james franco - that should be funny. it's only 14 minutes long - plus it's only 8pm - there's plenty of time left to sort out that email. On its own, there's no harm in interrupting a work process to take a break and do something else. It might even be beneficial in some cases. But if you consistently interrupt what you're doing to engage in some other newer more interesting activity you'll never actually get anything done. if you keep pursuing instant gratification you'll never accomplish anything that takes longer than an instant. there's also the fact that watching comedy sketches is a lot more fun than writing a work email, so it could just be me procrastinating and reading wikipedia articles with the vehement subconscious intent of avoiding work. But it doesn't just happen with work stuff. It happens with articles, interviews, image macros and even blog posts. My attention span is probably partly to blame. The quicker you get bored of something the less you want to do it -- but I don't think that's the whole story. I think it's mostly due to the fact that I want to do so many things, and I hate the idea of not doing all of them. No matter what it is, i have to do it. Do I really have to know how the word tautology is used in the study of logic? Do I really need to know why Leonard Cohen has started smoking again? I don't even know the guy. And yet some peculiar urge inside me insists: 'Yes. Yes you do.'

there's always a fear that if i leave it till later i won't remember or that the chance to do it might expire. isn't that crazy? i'm actually anxious about not being able to watch james franco talk to david letterman. or find out which female movie stereotype i am - as if i will incur some major loss for having declined this opportunity. As if it will detract from the total fixed sum of happiness i am destined to accumulate in this life. The fear of missing out is very real. But what makes it ridiculous is that i don't consider the cost of foregoing my current activity -- or the twenty other tabs i opened and then immediately forgot about. 'saving them for later,' i whisper maniacally to myself, like one of those compulsive hoarders they talk about on daytime tv. 

you see, i only weigh the opportunity cost of the possibility before me. the scotoma of my judgement affects everything besides the thing i am presently looking at. it's like trying to get a girlfriend but falling in love with every girl you see. But clicking a link is a lot easier and more straightforward than asking a girl out so I end up clicking on every promising headline or blinking notification that comes my way.

Consequently i speed up my rate of consumption (and interactions), frantic to get on to the next thing. i'm hardly enjoying the video as i'm too busy nervously eyeing the staggering number of tabs i've amassed. as this is happening, two thoughts are playing over and over in the back of my mind. the first is: i've lost so much already. i cannot afford to lose any more. and the second is this: what should i do next?