autumn monologue

12/11/19

The Japanese have a word for beauty that comes from impermanence and decay, called wabi sabi. Autumn, to me, is the aesthetic culmination of this ideal. The leaves, bright red, scorched orange, seem more alive than anything before they turn dark and lose their fire. To look and be affected by a blazing canopy of red and yellow, to be in the woods walking on a carpet of crisp crunchy leaves; it's pretty but it's also wonderful - and it probably comes from being suddenly acutely subconsciously aware of "now" and how it's already gone. Bold and bright and then gone in an instant, feels like a cruel trick. It's a melancholy type of magic, because in a way the trees are telegraphing their demise. The whole tableau seems to be saying 'okay... I'm leaving now... for real. I'll see you next year...' As if one foot's out the door already. You can't appreciate the beauty of autumn without registering that it will be gone soon - and that somehow heightens the experience. You begin to anticipate its absence and it fills you with a preemptive sense of loss and longing. It's a reminder, a little jolt to the system. For a few precious moments, makes you appreciate everything more, not just the leaves, but the wind on your face. The cold air as you breathe in. the sounds of rustling in the distance. The feeling of being alive.

Everything becomes a little sharper. A little clearer. A little realer. Autumn is totemic; poignant without parallel; poetic, graceful and tragic; demonstrative / emblematic of every vanished moment you wish you could relive. Here's the crux of it probably: autumn is magical because you wish it would stay, but know that it can't.

---

'...but from then on the sound of a party would have a sad magic'

love now, cry later

leave the light on

1/1/2020: a memory:
waking up at 10am in a friend's flat in southport after a house party that ended at 3am to put more money in the meter so i wouldn't get fined, then going back to sleep till 1pm, singing my kind of woman at the top of my lungs, playing my friend's guitar in the empty flat, meeting Parisha and Nate and Miriam at costa like it's the most natural thing in the world, driving back to liverpool at 3pm with the massive orange sun just setting, dipping below the horizon, the crescent moon already shining high on the other side, the sky a pastel mix of pink and blue, a goodbye glow from angular light softened by the evening mist rising from fields and meadows.

how it goes

8/12/19:


cure me
save me
eyes of my mother
hair of the dog
heart of my father
death of a God

make me
feel something
the earth, rivers
huge like a hug
friends like these
and losing your love

been over hills and
through the valley
I know how
your love goes
over hills and
through the valley
your love goes
I know now
how it goes

makes me
feel something
the earth, rivers
wild like a hug
brothers and sisters
holding me up

been over hills and
through the valley
I know now how
your love goes
over hills and
through the valley
your love goes
I know now
how it goes

(how it goes
with me)

sound of finding

world healer

"cause I made like a Canada playlist today" - Phoebe Bridgers

---

Jon's will 2019

all my money goes to my mom
my car goes to Uncle Gerald
my laptop and phone goes to michelle - the code to unlock the phone is in the blogger dashboard drafts section under the label 'phone code'
my electric guitars the Vox amp and zoom multi effects thing goes to weiken
the acoustic guitar goes to Judith
the classical guitar goes to Cai
my piano/keyboard and stand goes to david samy
my record collection and record player goes to Jia Way
my bass guitar and amp goes to Uncle David
all my books go to Petra
my computer speakers go to Dahil (his computer speakers really suck and I don't know why he can definitely afford better ones.)
all my unsent postcards go to Chooi Ern
my CD collection goes to Nate and Miriam
my relient K and switchfoot cds go to Jeremy Foo
my two anime figurines and my hard disc drive w school rumble on it goes to Parisha
my stethoscope goes to Victoria and Edmund
my steam account with all my games goes to Marcus
my iphone chargers / charger wires go to Lucy (sunderland)
my travel notebooks and journals go to Flory


---

Daisy, let it go
Open up your fists
This fallen world
It doesn't hold your interest
It doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

---



For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:21








context: my mom is leaving tomorrow for Scandinavia and the arctic circle and when we skyped she started off by telling me where the will is and what to do if anything were to happen to her, who to contact and how to withdraw money from her accounts - i reassured her and we joked about her having to fight off wolves when she got there, but it got me thinking

land of broken hearts

---

radical acceptance...

Aunty Jools - the topic has come up a few times now, anxiety and depression and personality disorder and how there really isn't a cure for loneliness. how nobody sticks around long enough to show these people kindness, how they get tired and frustrated quickly of non-reciprocity - the self absorption - the vanity and despair and self pity. how they don't know how to be kind to themselves much less anyone else.

Theory of grace - HTB church - amazing grace, radical acceptance - a different interpretation. In order for a thing to be lovable it must first be loved. GK Chesterton. Grace is the combination that unlocks a broken heart. Bawling, sobbing throughout worship. Hardly even able to mouth the words - why? I can't explain it.

Forgiving yourself
accepting yourself
being friends w self / accepting shortcomings and finding them funny, being merciful to yourself - being able to forgive yourself for being annoying pretentious ignorant - being aware of your flaws, being aware of the need to improve - without condemning yourself. What does that look like? when you see it - it's irresistible, unmistakable - magnetic, beautiful. That kind of honesty, that kind of authenticity and groundedness, centredness, integrity.
And loving your friends the same way
Infectious - contagious
April radiated an indomitable self love
funny, fiercely intelligent, kind.

---

Brightest star, blackest night

David foster wallace and loneliness in the 21st century - how he was hailed as a paragon of virtue, a beacon of light to so many others, but ended his own life. The end of the tour - how conversations can change people, can be worth repeating - can be instructive, entertaining, important. Sitting down to eat with sinners, spending a few days with friends, Jesus by the lake. Relationships change people. Not drugs, not diets or psychoanalysis and dissecting under a microscope - but allowing someone in, under your skin. A real connection....

---

the history of illusion

exploration of internet, social media, age of unprecedented connectivity, everything transmits faster, propagates like wildfire, like a ripple, instantaneously, everywhere at once - phenomena spreads so quickly, where one person could only influence his small community of 100, 200 - it took time to reach others, now one person's words or actions could influence an entire continent, could spark change - one picture, inspire an entire movement - a revolution.

How our society deprives us of community and shared purpose

Our primitive brains created evolved for nomadic tribes, supporting others being supported - leaning on others, being close - being in a community to survive - our brains crave community - acceptance, validation, friendship, trust, respect. But how modern society now celebrates the individual - individual striving, achievement, independence, self sufficiency, creates systems that allow us to isolate ourselves and never rely on each other, never have to talk to your neighbours or help someone else get water or something from the store. Communal ideology importance increasingly lost. How some believed this was intentional to increase sales - the more miserable humans were in these cities the more they consumed goods such as sugary foods, expensive furniture and vehicles. Capital and investment and profit margins. The numbers were promising. Human loneliness it seemed was good for business.

How asmr becomes corporatised. [a cartel, consolidated, unionised in the name of sustainability, creators giving up their creative freedoms for security]

How asmr helps with anxiety and depression. How does a video actually effect real lasting emotional change - testimonies how it has made them feel less anxious, how people feel better and want to do the same for others, selfless proponents who aren't looking for fame.
the idea being that although asmr relies on reproduction of a physical sensation ie sound, touch, visual movement, senses kinesthetic stimuli, the physical world - somehow generates a sense of euphoria - the theory is that the common denominator is intimacy, attention and trust - things that are uncommon or in short supply, in a typical asmr video the asmrtist gives the viewer undivided attention, he is performing for the viewer the entire time, focused on the viewer's needs, sensations, emotions, affirmations what the viewer needs to hear not just wants to hear. Trust, only a few videos do this but implicitly listening to a stranger make noises is to let down your guard and suspend your judgements and give your attention and accept what they are offering - and the asmr artist chooses how vulnerable to be, by doing these strange actions, invite judgements - criticism, appearance critique - any act of broadcasting - of trying to effect change or affect another person is an act of trust and faith. A bid a proposal a risk of rejection.

Why these videos work is the same reason movies and books and music work, why they stir up our emotions and make us feel things - even though videos on the surface look like a person gazing at a camera and pretending to be caring, what the asmrtist is doing is seeing past the camera to the viewer on the other end and imagining themselves in their shoes, interacting genuinely w that fictional hypothetical theoretical person. What a book is isn't an actual recollection of events but marks of ink on paper that represent things that exist in the real world - done skillfully enough the markings contain truth, express convey communicate something real within the author - similarly, if the asmrtist wants to share something real, it comes through, it inspires something real in the viewer, even though the whole thing is an illusion, a fiction, seems a little silly. It sounds like a far fetched fantasy, a surrealist high concept high school short story conceit that a 20 minute video of a stranger whispering at a camera and brushing a mic can make somebody halfway across the world feel seen, valued, understood, comforted, less anxious, less depressed, less alone. And yet it happens. We sense that sense of community, mutual trust, vulnerability. Our brains are easily tricked, our brains want to believe.

How asmrtist lunardream / lunarstar / lunadream/ lunastar best of the best refused to be corporatised, the corporations play dirty underhanded - eventually she loses rights to her channel - or she sells out, which would be the greater tragedy - making videos but being drowned out by copycats, slick polished versions, the marketing department strategises ways to steal her audience - sex sells, inundating the market, half naked, copycats and pretenders. changing public perception of a good thing, making it into a synonym for perverse lonely outsiders, but a small select sect of devotees begin their own movement, tracing each other's faces. Whispering encouragements to each other, leaning on each other. Being there for each other.¹

Her channel is lost - she withdraws, nobody knows what becomes of her - the original, drowned out - but her legacy lives on. People all over the world carrying on what she started. Wouldn't that be nice?

{professor of sapien studies
The story is an anthropology class essay for undergraduate assignment / thesis - nnotes annotations, citations - professor marking misquotes}

Backstory in footnote form
From San Diego father travelling professor, shy as a child - wanting to connect

Asmr videos, a distillation of intimacy

---

'What's it called? ... all the broken souls unite?'
'I think that's a heavy metal band'

---

Milk
face wash
pasta
pesto
chicken
soup
kitchen towel
pay driving fine
sell demarco tickets

---

1. The idea that the person sitting next to you on the underground yesterday reflexively looking at their phone or reading their book could have been feeling the exact same way - this intense disconnect - and wished someone out there felt the same way, and maybe he or she stumbles across this tomorrow and feels less alone, and wishes they had turned round and smiled or talked to you for a few minutes
1b. Probably unwise to be this sincere on a public website's comment section but
3. The seemingly hokey idea that these connections exist, are waiting to be discovered all around us everyday, but require people to be brave, tenacious, vulnerable, honest and kind with themselves and others. To be prepared and willing to share real things and be shot down and dismissed as pretentious and grandiose
4. Thanks for making this. You can have and do have a massive impact on the people around you and I hope you know it

---

Year of unprecedented change again

1. You will discover people like you, the people who feel things as acutely and as much as you; people you always hoped but never dared to dream would exist
2. They will show you a way to be, a way you didn't realise was possible
2b. A lot of them will be younger than you - like a lot younger
3. A way to be genuinely interested in others, caring about others, wanting the best for them and also being able to show it
4. A way to be genuine and authentic in an interaction that inspires authenticity in the other person
5. You will meet people who have been through stuff and learned some lessons you haven't but that would benefit you to learn and they will share what they've learned at it will change the way you think about and interact with the world and look at the world
6. And you begin to realise how much of a difference a kind or honest word at the right time can make, and you start looking for opportunities to speak growth or truth into people, you start getting better at recognising opportunities to connect on a deeper level, and you get better at capitalising on these opportunities
7. seeing the world as precious and mysterious again
8.
9.
10.

---

Close enough to lean on

The idea of seeing the flaw in each other and accepting each other anyway that's grace right? that's forgiveness
that's the key to becoming close
sharing trusting
How to be close to God, trust His grace is enough for you

---

J C____ creat 700 ?aki vasculitis screen biopsy

---

Realisation: by running the donner looper signal separately through the zoom gt effects modules you can add and subtract effects to the loop in real time

---

Post rock shoegaze band names

moso sanjurokkei
shameless plug
jim carrey
violent wonders
bonjiri ecstasy

---

Healed and forgiven
look where my chains are now

---

'why are personality disorder patients so exhausting?'


'It's tiring to love someone who doesn't love themselves.'

---

24/11/19: Petting other people's dogs, taking photos of nature, watching old men dance to the fresh prince of bel air

---

---

1 [ short story idea: the internet is helping us find each other //   the rare ones, the isolated ones, the hidden ones, peeking out from our respective refuges our little boxes and being incredibly surprised to discover that there are others out there just like them [before the internet existed, you would have never met them, never known they existed now they seem to appear everywhere, in the millions. everywhere you look is a kindred spirit, a fellow admirer, survivor of the same trauma, mutual lover of some sacred unknown song] whereas before we had only books to store and record our deepest parts, and to set adrift across the ocean of time in the hopes it'll find someone, a little preserved, pickled, distillation of ourselves in a bottle // unprecedented age of seeking and actually finding // search hard enough and you can find pretty much anything nowadays // how the internet can make us unspeakably more lonely and also infinitely less alone ] ^↩