return with all your heart

"Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' 

"But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' 

- Luke 18:10-13

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It is day 7 of my fast and I am finding it harder and harder to think of anything other than my appetite. I have not been keeping up with my devotions. I have not heard the living word through the scriptures, I have not drawn any strength or wisdom from it, I have not felt my strength being renewed or my hunger sated the way I did when I first began fasting.

Today all I could think of was my own hunger. My mind was preoccupied with counting down the hours till 6 o'clock. I was not kind to people. All I could think of was my own survival. Only later, when I had a minute in the shower to reflect on how the day had gone did I realise that I spent the whole day selfishly focussed on myself. I was not compassionate to those in need. I deflected difficult questions and manoeuvred around other people's distress. I was not a good Christian today. And that's because I haven't been preparing my heart these past few days. Because lectures start at 9am or 10am, I wake up 30 minutes beforehand and rush to the shower and stumble down the stairs while trying to get my socks on and dash out the door, still half awake. Then throughout the talks I'm half trying to concentrate on gathering useful information, and trying to do Nicky Gumbel's bible in one year plan on my iphone. As if scrolling through and reading the words on the screen to the end is all that's required of a healthy spiritual journey.

Today in the shower I realise what I've done again. I've uncoupled the act from the intention. I've become focused on the ritual instead of the Holy Spirit. "Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that." - Mark 7:13. It's not about what you bring to the altar, but the attitude -- the heart that you offer it with. "A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart." - Proverbs 21:2. I've been so focused on the details, following the rules that I end up being unable to see the forest for the trees. The truth is that it's completely possible to keep your fast and pray (or at least con yourself into thinking you're praying) 3 or 4 times a day and do all the outward things associated with holiness and yet still be miles away from a healthy relationship with God. And to be constantly judging other people. And to be ungrateful and proud and full of contempt and empty of genuine compassion for others.

I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. Today Victoria was asking, and I tried to explain. I did a very poor job of it. I told her, 'There are two kinds of a fast. One is about discipline, training yourself. The other is when you ask for something - to show that you are serious about your request.' But 'serious' is the wrong word. It should be 'sincere.' In the old testament, whenever people fast it is an act of repentance. Either that or an act of mourning. It's about returning to God. It's not supposed to be a public statement, or open display of piety. It's meant to be a private and personal act of humility. "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full." - Matthew 6:16.

Every so often I catch myself thinking, 'I have kept my fast so far - now God will have to grant my request.' Which is not only absurd but also betrays what an incredibly arrogant and disrespectful spirit. Thinking that a fast is a way of making God obligated to answer your prayer is like thinking an apology is a golden ticket to avoid being punished for something. Thinking I can bribe God by acting holy... Fasting is meant to be an act of humbling oneself before God. Of reminding myself of my weakness and fragile flesh and how much I must rely on God to meet my needs -- and yet I somehow manage to turn it into some parade of self-admiration and platform from which to look down on others. Tonight I will repent and ask God to forgive me for letting my prayers and fasting become a form of self-justification and self-worship. I will stop the blasphemous pantomime and re-consecrate my fast. Tomorrow I will wake up at 8 o'clock and do my best to start afresh - examine my heart carefully, and pray that God will help me to be like the tax collector. To teach my heart to fear the Lord again, to open my eyes to His holiness and how badly I need His mercy on a second to second basis.

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"Yet even now," declares the LORD, "Return to Me with all your heart, And with fasting, weeping and mourning; And rend your heart and not your garments." Now return to the LORD your God, For He is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness And relenting of evil. 

- Joel 2:15