pandemonium

i had sleep paralysis again last night. i had stayed up the whole night to finish writing up a case report and was feeling incredibly sleepy, but i had to be in Derby for a 9am meeting with my clinical supervisor. it was already 7am. in the end, i decided to take a 30 minute nap, just to freshen up before catching the early bus to Derby. i lay down and covered myself with the duvet and very quickly consciousness faded and was replaced by a curious scene. i dreamt i was in a classroom watching a young boy and girl converse. they stood before me, among rows of neatly arranged tables and chairs, facing each other. neither of them noticed me. it was as if i wasn't there. pale blue light streamed in from the windows and coloured everything a cold turquoise. there was no sound. i was transfixed by the two of them, but told myself not to get too involved. i reminded myself i would have to wake up soon. i didn't want to miss the bus. i continued watching them with mild fascination, in the back of my mind knowing i would have to wake up very soon. eventually, they finished talking and headed out of the room. as they were leaving the classroom i tried to follow after them, but suddenly i the observer - that is, my point of view - stopped suddenly in its tracks, unable to advance any further as if it had reached the end of an invisible tether, and i was astounded to see a phantom doppelgänger emerge forth from right where i had been standing. i watched it walk forward, away from me. i was still rooted to the spot. with a completely neutral expression on its face, it followed after the boy and girl and left the room.

my eyes were suddenly open and i was in my bed. the sun had come up and a grey light filtered through the curtains. i tried to get up but i could only move my eyes. 'oh great. not this again,' i thought, and braced myself for what was to come. gradually a ringing in my ears started getting louder and louder and a raspy voice like grating steel started speaking, gradually increasing in speed and volume, till it became too fast for me to follow - the sound was deafening. i willed myself not to listen, to ignore the roar that had filled my skull and to just focus on keeping my eyes open. my eyes darted around the room. there's no one there, i told myself. the voice in my head started to cackle. it'll be over soon, i told myself repeatedly. hang in there!

i felt my back arching ever so slightly and my body tilting like it does on ships, like gravity had shifted by a single degree. it felt like being in the middle of a stampede. like being assaulted from all directions. i felt that if i had allowed my resolve to waver, i would have been swept away into some kind of abyss. despite the delirium, i clung to fact, for if i had loosened my grip on it just a little, i felt i would be dragged under and drowned in its violent current. i quickly abandoned that thought and submerged myself in fervent concentration. i lost all track of time. i am fine. it's all in your head. you will be fine. you will be fine. i refused to think of anything else. i guess it must have been around 5 minutes but it felt like longer. as suddenly as it had come, it had gone. the rigidity and fear had left my body and just like that i could move again.