lukewarm poet

21/3/15:


i spent three years being very sad and without knowing i was sad. it sounds strange, i know. 'how can you not know if you're sad?' you're probably thinking. but you can. you can pretend so well and so often that you forget you're pretending. there was one day, about three years ago when i just woke up and stepped into the shower and started crying. i cried for about 10 minutes, and then I got out and got dressed and put on my shoes and left the house. but i still remember - how good it felt. it felt good to cry. that's how you know you're sad.¹


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私は非常に悲しく、私は悲しかった知らなくてもされて3年間を過ごしました。それは奇妙に聞こえる ですね。 「悲しいなら、知らない訳がないじゃん？」っておそらく考えています。しかし、できます。あなたはあなたがふりしていることを忘れていることをとてもよくし、そう頻繁にふりをすることができます。私はちょうど目が覚めた、シャワーに足を踏み入れと泣き始めたときに1日、約3年前にありました。私は約10分間叫んだ、と外に出たし、私の靴を着て、入れてしまって、家を出ました。しかし、まだ覚えている - そんなに気持ちいいかんじました。泣いてた時 ― とても良いと感じました。それから 知ってた ― 悲しかった、僕は。とても悲しかったぞ


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Uncertainty isn't the mark of a wise man. it doesn't mean you are insightful or attentive or more aware of the complexities and paradoxes and contradictions of the human condition to always mask your thoughts and words in ellipses and parentheses and end every sentence with a question mark. Don't play dumb. It gets old you know, this schtick -- the whole exaggerated shrugging of the shoulders. 'Don't look at me, I don't have  all the answers... I'm just wondering out loud... don't mind me.' That thing you do. Acknowledging that you don't know everything is preferable to remaining ignorant of your own ignorance, but one cannot be content to stay there. Wanting never to be wrong isn't a strength if it means never being right either. That's worse than being a pedant. At least the pedant is willing to take a position and will not suffer to sit eternally on the proverbial fence. A man should have conviction - a firm idea of what should and shouldn't be, and learn to stay silent or enquire earnestly on matters he is not familiar with. And then ideally to go away and make up his mind about it. If you wrestle with an idea, press on until you come to a firm conclusion, and don't give up until you do. If you know something, then say what you know. If you don't know, admit to not knowing. If you think you know it, either keep silent or risk being wrong. Don't try and weasel your way out of it. A man should commit, should risk, stake something on his word. And if he is wrong, so be it. There are worse things in life than being wrong. One of them is being a coward. People who never willing to make mistakes will never learn from them. Stop adding 'perhaps', 'maybe', 'more or less', 'if i'm not mistaken' to your sentences as a means of pre-emptive acquittal. when you present an opinion, don't have one foot out the door, ready to escape. don't pretend you're being polite by presenting your conclusions as a suggestion, afraid of imposing on someone else's beliefs. It accomplishes nothing and only obscures your message. A man should be sure, confident, and assurance comes from security, and security comes from knowing, and knowledge comes from being acquainted with truth. A man should be willing to bet his life on the truth.

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feels weird if no one's told me off in a while // the irony of being rebuked for trying to avoid being rebuked