초심

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.


---

At youth a few weeks ago, reading a bible verse where baptism came up. Afterwards Miriam asked me 'When did you get baptised.' I replied 'I haven't been baptised.' She asked, 'why not?' I deflected because I didn't have a good answer. She joked that there was a baptism service coming up, could fit me in at the end. I laughed and said maybe next year.

Context: Been a Christian for a while, grew up in church. More than 10 years. Just that whenever the pastor says if you would like to find out more about baptism come talk to us, I'd remain in my seat. Convinced myself it wasn't that important.

A few weeks later met Nate for some lunch. Sat down and he asked me, 'so why haven't you been baptised?' In a friendly way. He talked me through his experience of being baptised and why it's important for us to do it. after Making lots of excuses we got to the heart of it which was deep down i didn't feel ready yet to make a public commitment. there was something holding me back.

I said i'd think about it, Nate wanted to put my name down but I said give me some time because i'm stubborn and didn't want to give him the satisfaction. Next day skyping with friends from uni. one of them long term mission trip in japan. the other one left and we chatted, lull in conversation. she said - why have you never been baptised? There's no way she could have known. I hadn't talked to anybody about it, hadn't written it down anywhere public. I asked why - what made her ask the question. She said it was something she had thought about asking for a long time but for some reason, she felt she should / something prompted her to bring it up then. Needless to say, I was shook.

Hard to ignore or to brush off. Would be hypocritical to. You always think it's something that happens to other people. God has a plan for their lives, His will for them is unquestionable, but when God wants to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming - all of a sudden you become a skeptic. When His plan deviates from your plan you chalk everything up to coincidence.

Eventually I stopped kidding myself. I said the equivalent of ... ok You've got my attention...

I took it seriously, started really asking 'are you going to get baptised?' The more I asked myself the more it felt like God saying to me 'Hey, what am I to you?'
It felt a little like Jesus asking Peter on the shore after his crucifixion 'Do you love me?' 'Do you love me more than these?'
Jesus didn't need to hear that Peter loved him three times. He wasn't uncertain or wondering how Peter would reply. Peter needed to hear himself say it, after disowning Jesus in the courtyard. It was for Peter's benefit that Jesus asked him that, so that he could get past his three denials, his past and repair his relationship with Jesus before becoming the rock on which the early church was built.
The question 'What am I to you?' was something I needed to clear up for myself at that point in time.

I think the reason for this is because my relationship with God was not at its best at this point - and for a long while leading up to it. If you've been in a relationship for a long time, you may have experienced how easy it is to take things for granted. go through the motions. say the words without meaning them the way you did at the beginning. Being distant and distracted without knowing how or why. Looking back, the reason I had distanced myself was because I kept failing. I couldn't measure up. No matter how much I tried I couldn't ever be holy enough, devoted enough. Committed enough. Every time I failed I felt guilty and felt like a fraud. Till it got to a point I avoided trying altogether. I made the excuse, maybe once I had figured it out, once I was good enough - then I'd get baptised. Once I'd proven to myself I could do it. That I was a good christian. That kind of thinking meant that over 5/6 years I had pretty much given up on getting baptised. Because I could never be 'good enough'. Because I kept failing to measure up. And church and the bible and prayer turned into an unpleasant reminder of my failings. So I pretty much avoided those things too.

I told Nate this and he said something that hit home. He told me, 'God knows all the times you've messed up in the past. He knows all the ways you will mess up in the future, but He still loves you. I'm not perfect. But God is and He chooses to love me, even though he knows I'm going to let him down, time and time again." There's a line in the book left behind which came out 10 years ago which struck me. It goes 'Saved people aren't good people. They're just forgiven,' Somewhere along the line I had gotten it twisted. By being apart from church, not hearing from God led me to believe a message that isn't the one that Jesus preached. I thought that if you didn't have any deeds to prove your faith you weren't really a christian. My salvation had become works based and not faith based. Somehow left out the fundamental doctrine of grace. That Jesus came to forgive us so that we wouldn't have to feel alienated by guilt and shame anymore.

Even though I know what I am and all the ways that I fall short. There is a verse in Isaiah which goes "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you."

I don't understand why or how but God chooses to love us when we are weak and imperfect, even at our worst. All we have to do is trust Him. He's said it time and time again in so many ways, that He believes there is something worth saving here. Even though it's hard to believe. He's declared it publicly in the Bible; He sent his only son. He's spelled it out unequivocally. And so now the ball's in my court; it's up to me to decide: Do I believe His promises and the power of His forgiveness?

I'm getting baptised, because, even though I know I'll mess up again, I know His love and mercy are greater than my mistakes. And it will hopefully serve as a reminder to run to God instead of from Him when I do mess up. I'm getting baptised as a declaration of faith and intent. Faith in His mercy, in His ability to turn my life into something that will bring Him glory, to finish the good work that was started in me.

ephemera

---



Late afternoon's heavy gold; the leaves transparent like honest conversation; the sun setting like an arpeggiated minor ninth. The hours linger, reminiscing like a younger body's soul; like the flower of new friendship; the earthy rusk of yesterday's plans. The great wild reality of now is vivid and too quick to capture - and rare like strangers nostalgic and sentimental for the same movie. The change is like a tidal wave. Nothing at first, then all at once. The shimmering of this morning, this afternoon and right now hardens and condenses into memory. And tomorrow, the laughter, the words, the sorrow -- are erased and echo like yesterday's dreams.